Day 18 - A Poem

I’ve been missing my daughter. Feeling into the sadness as she’s gone back to her house - to work her first job in another state.

I poured my grief into a clump of images, like the rock polisher I had when I was little. As I sat with the images and feelings, this poem emerged, just like the surprise I felt in my youth when I’d opened the polish canister to discover what hidden colors emerged in the previously dull rocks.

The practice of holding gratitude and presence alongside the longings and grief.

What’s Different this Good-bye

When judgments become longings -

my bathroom drawers left open

Favorite hair ties go missing,

The “let’s go do something” pressing against my nesting self.

Or the books that go unread

As Catan wins and losses come and go,

Nerts arguments over seating and unfair advantages of card placements that no longer linger in the room after dinner.

This -

Along with your hugs and nightly “I love you’s”

Fades.

A mother’s heart, sitting in the “well done,”

Wondering with anticipation

What life looks like,

True adult to adult

Who will be woven among us? Eventually.

We can never go back. To

Butterfly kisses.

Climbing door jams (you)

Princess dresses (also you)

Sparkling shoes (us)

Now - White New Balances, wide (you)

Neutral colors (also you)

Sparkle in eyes (us)

Now -

Our house grows quieter

more Parallel Play,

less Action,

less…

Without you shining on all of us,

your gaze a continual “I love you” to us all,

and us loving you back with our, “sure I’ll do that”

Because

We know all too soon the invitations will leave- Not

Forever

Still.

They go with your

suitcase and smile

We have versions to keep us company.

phone calls and video calls

breadcrumbs, really.

Until we meet again.

At the holidays.

Months away,

for always too little time.

©Dr. Kimber Court Del Valle