My Story of Pregnancy Loss: From Darkness to Hope [Grief 7]
In this episode of I Thought I Was Over This, Dr. Kimber delves into her personal journey of grief and loss, sharing insights from her book, Still Making A Whole When Parts Go Missing. Dr. Kimber emphasizes that her book resonates with a wide range of individuals who have experienced various forms of loss, not just pregnancy or baby loss. She discusses the importance of taking time while reading the book, especially when processing birth traumas and grief.
The episode explores Dr. Kimber's personal struggle with envy and dark thoughts when encountering pregnant women, highlighting the need for self-kindness and acknowledging these feelings. She discusses the complexity of her marriage and the decision they faced about whether to stay together or separate. Despite their issues, she acknowledges her husband's love and tried to avoid bringing more devastation to their daughter's life.
The episode wraps up by discussing her experience of visiting a cemetery and the emotions and challenges that arise during such visits. She emphasizes the importance of honoring her lost loved one while also taking care of oneself. Dr. Kimber shares personal insights and reflections on her grief journey, highlighting the relief and presence she eventually found after years of grief.
Throughout the episode, there are practical suggestions for managing grief, such as grounding oneself in the present moment by connecting with the earth and not fixating on signs or messages.
Overall, this episode of I Thought I Was Over This offers a raw and honest exploration of grief, loss, and healing, with Dr. Kimber sharing her personal experiences and practical advice for navigating the complex emotions surrounding baby loss and other forms of grief. It serves as a compassionate and relatable resource for anyone seeking companionship and understanding in their grief journey.
Here are four key takeaways from the episode:
Validation of Various Types of Loss: Dr. Kimber’s book and discussion in this episode highlight the fact that grief and loss are not limited to a single experience. Her book resonates with people who have experienced various types of losses, expanding the conversation beyond just pregnancy or baby loss. You will feel validated in you own grief, regardless of the nature of your loss.
Permission to Take Time: Dr. Kimber’s book encourages you to take your time while reading, especially when it comes to birth traumas and grief. You will learn about the importance of giving yourself permission to process your emotions at your own pace and engage with the provided journal prompts to aid in your healing journey.
Challenging Societal Norms: Her book challenges the societal norm of withholding information about pregnancy until 12 weeks. By sharing her personal story of losing a child who was not physically present for long, she challenges you to reevaluate the idea of grieving privately and highlight the serious and devastating impact of baby loss. You will be encouraged to challenge societal norms and find support and healing in your grief journey.
Understanding the Nuances of Grief: In this episode, Dr. Kimber discusses the unique aspect of grieving a child without daily experiences and memories. All types of grief are valid, but there is something different about grieving a child without memories. You will gain a deeper understanding of the complexities of grief and how it can vary depending on individual experiences. This understanding can help you navigate your own grief journey and find solace in knowing you are not alone.
Resources:
This episode is sponsored by Still: Making A Whole When Parts Go Missing, which is a resource for those suffering the loss of a baby during pregnancy.
If interested in receiving my newsletter, A Moment of Pause, you can sign up here.
Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for treatment by a healthcare or mental health professional. This content is created for education and entertainment purposes only.
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This transcript was created by A.I. — please forgive translation mistakes.
Dr. Kimber [00:00:00]:
Welcome to I Thought I Was Over This. I'm your host, doctor Kimber, a licensed clinical psychologist, trauma healer, and fellow life journeyer. Every episode, we dive into the science of humaning. And whether you find yourself feeling like you've just hit an iceberg and don't know where help is coming from or You're ready to trade in your raft for something bigger. You aren't alone. Grab what you need, get comfortable, and let's do Knesset. I am so glad that you are here.
Dr. Kimber [00:00:38]:
October Kem. Is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month? And I personally think that it's one of the most misunderstood Good and unacknowledged losses in the developing world. This episode is sponsored by my book, Ken still making a whole where parts go missing, which is my memoir and my story of our 2nd child being stillbirth, and it is sold at Indie Bound, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble online. My book isn't a how to book. It's really it's a memoir. It's a book that really gives a person permission to have wild and dark thoughts. It's a book that has the potential to touch anyone with grief and offers you company in that grieving space.
Dr. Kimber [00:01:36]:
I know many people who have read it who have losses in their life, not necessarily pregnancy or baby losses, and find that they are reconnecting with parts of themselves that have pockets of grief, that have gone unacknowledged or need to be picked up again. One thing that I would say about my book is it's probably not one of those books that you wanna read quickly. I have journal prompts in there, and I've had some women share that they have really read it slowly to metabolize, especially their own birth traumas nd their own experiences around grief and loss. One thing that the book has been successful at doing is really being an advocate for how serious and devastating baby loss is. We kind of live in a culture where we have these rules. You know, don't tell anyone until you're at least 12 weeks As if the loss is supposed to be processed on your own if it happens less than 12 weeks.
Dr. Kimber [00:03:00]:
I mean, I do get, like, who do you wanna tell, how much do you wanna tell, but certainly the people close to you people who would be in your corner around grief. Right? You want them to share in the excitement as well as If there is a loss, you don't have a heartbeat. I mean, this is a time to round up your comrades And find those safe people always at any time. And I think we can be quick. Great. We're all Tim.
Dr. Kimber [00:03:35]:
On some level, uncomfortable with grief, at least many of us. And so we can be sloppy And say, well, I'll, you know, have another one, or we can tell that to another mom. Hey. You'll get pregnant again. I mean, we can be quick to dismiss the grief of this particular child not coming home with us. And I do believe that that is one of the gifts of my book that it really helps you if you do not have a concept of baby loss and pregnancy loss.
Dr. Kimber [00:04:17]:
It will give you that. I know 1 reader reached out to me and said, you know, after reading my book, I realized I really hadn't been there for my friend when her baby died, and it was 30 years ago. And you know what I did? I reached out, and I asked her to tell me about her baby, and I just think that's beautiful. So for me, I had 4 people due the same week that I was, 4. And I was the only one who lost a baby. My baby died at 33 and a half weeks.
Dr. Kimber [00:04:59]:
His name is baby Long Beach. So I had a neighbor, a friend, and 2 people at my daughter's school, one who worked there. So you can imagine. My baby died in June. Their baby was due the 2nd week, 3rd week of August. And when they started bringing their babies to school, as I dropped off my daughter, it was awkward. And was it triggering? I don't think it was triggering for me.
Dr. Kimber [00:05:33]:
You know why? Because I already every cell of my body was missing my son. I didn't need the reminder, the concrete reminder that my baby Tim wasn't in a car seat and theirs was. So I'm not sure I mean, of course, the 1st day, yes, absolutely triggering. But what was striking to me is then all the conversations that came up for my almost 4 year old At the time, because her brother died too and she was so excited. We had been comparing bellies, so to speak, during the previous school year.
Dr. Kimber [00:06:14]:
So there's lots of Places where when we are due with the baby, there can be just reminders of Other people brought other families brought their baby home and we didn't. And I think those are moments to really be kind to yourself. What I would like to do, last year, you can look up my episode that is In October 2022, around baby loss, and I read parts of my book there. I wrote read the introduction and I think the 1st chapter. But today, I do wanna talk about some of these nuances and permission to have darker thoughts than maybe are feel socially acceptable. And I wanna read some of my book that's in the 3rd near the 3rd part. I'm starting on page 213, and I'm gonna jump around.
Dr. Kimber [00:07:16]:
How are you today? Asked the college age girl with the ponytail while she swipes my groceries in the checkout line. My anger boils below the surface. I want to scream at her just to let loose. My hair is in a messy bun. I have dark circles under my eyes. I know this because I checked before I came Ken Into the store. I'm wearing black sweatpants and an oversized maternity black sleeveless top. Fine.
Dr. Kimber [00:07:52]:
How are you? I'm good. I'm going out with my boyfriend when I get off. And you? Kim. I'm going home to be with my 3 year old who thinks the doctor stole her brother. That is, If I don't wreck while sobbing and driving because your next customer is obviously pregnant. Out loud, I say, oh, casual night at home eating ice cream, hoping to beat some of this heat.
Dr. Kimber [00:08:24]:
I look only at her, not the woman behind me who with eye contact and her own belly enthusiasm May ask me when I'm due. Sounds like a plan. I love moose tracks too. As she hands me my bag, I say brightly, have a good one. You too, wearing envy. She's outside walking on the sidewalk in her raspberry colored shirt, The maternity one with the baby underneath. She doesn't see me staring out the window Tim Wanting to knock her down, rip off her shirt, do unthinkable things to her belly, Kim Steal her baby. Make him mine.
Dr. Kimber [00:09:17]:
Death and grief dug and buried. You told me to write about death, so I did, and and nothing. I think about it all the time. Where is its power? It can happen at any time, anywhere. You hate pain. Doesn't everyone? Pain is unavoidable. It's the one thing life offers to transform a person. Kim.
Dr. Kimber [00:09:46]:
That sounds awful. Your mind is thinking about death all the time, fearing pain, and more than that, Thinking about how unfair it is that you have pain when you think no one else does. He pauses. That sounds awful to me. I suppose your imagination hasn't thought about all the time wasted on why me Instead of why not me? True. I grew up in a country ruined by war. Kemp. In my youth, the oceans I surfed and swam were pristine, beautiful, peaceful.
Dr. Kimber [00:10:29]:
Then war happened. Beaches ruined. Humans destroyed. It can never be undone. Ken. You've made your point. It's helpful. Read me some of your journal.
Dr. Kimber [00:10:41]:
Okay. I begin. I didn't realize how much I anticipate death, almost like I want to outsmart it. Ken. So I don't let it out of my mind so I can predict when it will be happening. He interrupts. I can predict it too.
Dr. Kimber [00:10:59]:
In the future, Always. I look over at him and mirror the sparkle in his eyes. He continues, You can survive this thing you're fearing. You've done it for 5 weeks. I have. You don't want to be obsessed with death. No? Then live.
Dr. Kimber [00:11:20]:
Otherwise, you'll keep seeing death everywhere Until you aren't wrong, and then you'll have something worse than grief, regret, because you didn't live. You feared. I nod. I feel that. I regret not being more present while my baby was alive inside of me. I regret not enjoying more his swimming patterns, The way he snuggled against my ribs or bladder, I complained. Now I'd do anything to have him snuggle And make me uncomfortable.
Dr. Kimber [00:12:00]:
Just one more time. You'd enjoy it now, this pain. I nod as I look at him. Okay. I'll see you next week. I leaned down and grabbed my purse, Leaving behind a burden and taking with me something not yet formed inside of me. Grief, Cat style, or for some, catty. Grief, one of life's staples.
Dr. Kimber [00:12:31]:
Yet kicking and screaming, I resist. Pretending I can decide, grieve today, Or grieve tomorrow, please, as if anyone can avoid the transforming power of grief. A minister's wife refuses to pray in public after her son dies at 20. A man who drinks alone in silence Every night after work since his wife died 15 years ago. A girl who becomes a doctor after her mother died in the hands of 1 when she was 4. A woman becomes a well loved funeral home director after her mom commits suicide. Grief.
Dr. Kimber [00:13:18]:
It yowls. It waits. It pounces and then settles, leaving in its own time. It's chattering at me. I'm not going to be angry with my body for poorly keeping my son alive. I would never ever ever consider starving it as punishment. I would never ever consider sticking a finger down my throat in retaliation, or would I? I tell myself, I want to celebrate. Yay.
Dr. Kimber [00:13:54]:
Yay. Yay. With those women who haven't had to deliver a death from their body. No. No. No. Consider stealing their baby, just borrowing him for a little while.
Dr. Kimber [00:14:18]:
I would never ever think, why me, and why not them, or would I? I'd never, no, no, no, snub them if one should be conversational. I'd never be superficial or catty behind their back, or would I? I'm just saying, if I had a choice, I'd want my friends to have more issues than me. Grief, it snarls. It purrs. It pounces then transforms for better or worse. I'm gonna read 1, actually, 2 more passages.
Dr. Kimber [00:15:04]:
It's been 3 months. I have a pit in my stomach that burns as we pass each stoplight getting closer to Eden's school, it grows bigger and bigger. The last time I'd seen the other parents, I was pregnant, really pregnant. Can I sign her in fast enough to avoid talking to any of them? Can I give a brief wave to the teacher, her teacher of 3 years? I can't wait to go to school. How much longer Eden's voice from the back seat stops my imagined exit plans? Probably 2 more songs. Do you think Alex will be there? Alyssa, I don't know, honey.
Dr. Kimber [00:15:50]:
I think so, but it's Tiburon. Hard to say who's coming back. I take my tongue off the roof of my mouth, loosen my jaw, stop gripping the steering wheel, Shaking 1 hand out then the other. What are you doing, mommy? Just letting my muscles relax, reminding them to be calm. Why? Sometimes I grip the steering wheel too hard when I'm feeling a lot of feelings. I'm sad to drop you off. I liked playing with you all summer. It's okay, mommy.
Dr. Kimber [00:16:26]:
We can play when I'm done. I chuckle. Yes. Yes. We can. Thanks for that reminder. Walking through the school gates, 1 of the moms flashes me a big smile. Is your baby at home? Already a curveball when I don't even feel suited up.
Dr. Kimber [00:16:48]:
I stop, shake my head, regrouping as I think of what to say. Why hadn't I thought of this and rehearsed words? No. I trail off before taking a deep breath and looking her in the eye. He died. I see her embarrassment spreading up her cheeks, a bubblegum color. I'm so sorry. She stumbles over what to say next.
Dr. Kimber [00:17:18]:
I step in and rescue her. It's sweet of you to ask. Of course, you didn't know. She nods her head, reaches out and touches my arm as she moves toward the gate. Again, I'm so sorry. I pick up my speed, Give Eden a hug outside the classroom door.
Dr. Kimber [00:17:39]:
I'll see you after school. She opens the door, Barely looking at me as she responds. Okay, mom. I rush in behind her, not lifting my head except to locate the sign In clipboard, I heard her with back turned, Alyssa. A chorus of squeals lingers as I shut the door. As if 1 strike isn't enough, on my way back to the parking lot, Ruth's mom is coming in the gate carrying her newborn. Hi.
Dr. Kimber [00:18:10]:
I say, maybe a bit too enthusiastically, but I'm not taking any chances of receiving empathy from her. I avoid looking at her infant carrier as I pass her going out of the gate. My arms have never felt emptier. The gates close as her reply hits my brain. Hi. I keep walking.
Dr. Kimber [00:18:34]:
Head down. I can't get to my car fast enough. I drive a block, pull over, and sob. I use my shirt as a tissue, Wondering only once if I'm flashing the middle school kids walking past as they walk across the busy street to their school. By the time I pull away from the curb, there are no more tweens walking on the sidewalk. The bells have rung. They're in class.
Dr. Kimber [00:19:04]:
Everything in me wants to rehearse pickup, how to get in and out as quickly as possible. How to avoid more meltdowns? How to act enthusiastic? But as I recall my insufficient preparedness coming to school, I turn up KROQ and drive home. And my final one, no manual. There is no manual for visiting your son in the cemetery. I create 1 in my mind as Dennis and I drive up Rose's Hill, a country field away from the chain link fence we'll walk through. Number 1, bring tissues. Number 2, camera optional, though necessary, if remembering the length of grass against his stone from 1 year to the next. Number 3.
Dr. Kimber [00:20:03]:
Bring journal and pen, so you're reminded of what you'd like to say. Number 4. A blanket for lying down. Your head to his stone corner. Number 5, bring tissues in case you've forgotten them since reading number 1. Number 6, touch someone's hand so you can imagine it's his, then cry, sob, ache. And if you're lucky, hug someone next to you.
Dr. Kimber [00:20:36]:
Number 7, take your shoes off so you can feel the energy of the earth. Not because you're a self prescribed hippie, Ken. But because you live in a universe where the earth is alive with connections and it helps you remember You're not buried. No matter how many times you wished you were to escape the devastating pain. This is especially relevant if you have children still living, because you don't want them to feel like they lost a sibling and a parent on the same day, unless tragically, that is indeed their story. Number 8. Resist the temptation to lie here all day night listening for a whisper in the wind or an owl on the tree who seems too close to not be him.
Dr. Kimber [00:21:32]:
Number 9, visit the inscribed marble Clay Smart holders of friends who were sons themselves and remember other parents live with a never to be whole again kind of heart. Number 10, say goodbye and wonder how much you should visit. In order to be a good parent, there is no manual when visiting your son in the cemetery. So that's some of my book. This summer, my daughter read it, and she recognized for her. Just how traumatic the loss was, but she hadn't ever put words to that, how significant the loss was. And I'd like to think that part of that reason is because
Dr. Kimber [00:22:27]:
We played a lot. We did a lot of play therapy, her dad and I. Her dad is a marriage and family therapist. Play therapy. You don't need any training for that. I don't think I got any training for that in my doctorate of psychology program, so I didn't take those classes. And, you know, you just have to show up and be willing to hold a lot a lot of grief, a lot of crazy ideas, doctors stealing babies, you know, just unexpected, the unexpected that happens when a child is grieving.
Dr. Kimber [00:23:10]:
And my book really tries to give some details and story about how we helped Eden navigate that. But I also think, you know, ongoingly,. As she had different patterns of coping, we helped her make sense of her story. We had, I think, in middle school or maybe even high school as she was developing patterns of relating to her friends and to the world. We kind of helped her identify, hey, you had a significant experience of your parents not being emotionally present with you. For a period of time, we were really grieving and we changed overnight.
Dr. Kimber [00:23:57]:
And that is really scary. And so it makes sense why you can be afraid of having conflict or why. When big feelings come rushing in, you can feel panicked, and we really tried to revisit that. I mean, that would have been like 10 years after baby Long Beach died, but grief has a way. It's so significant. It's devastating.
Dr. Kimber [00:24:26]:
I don't have that kind of daily experience of missing him. I think that could be unique for us who have lost a child who wasn't with us physically very long, obviously, Wright, growing in the womb with us physically, but not creating memories outside of the womb Our baby has, you know, lives for a little bit. There's just a difference in that. I'm not saying one is more grief or less grief, it's all grief. But I do think that there's something unique that happens when you have a child that has died and you have lots of memories. And that longing, that whole of grief is different.
Dr. Kimber [00:25:19]:
It's a different shaped whole. And so for me, how I Remember baby Long Beach often is when I am sitting with others in their grief, I have easy access to grief, the feeling of grief. Because for me, it was like 6 or 7 years before I felt this visceral lifting. I don't even know how to describe it, but there was suddenly this one day, I was getting dressed and I thought, there's something significantly different about me right now. there is something that has felt lightened, and I tied that into there was a way now that baby Long Beach is present with me different than grief. And I would say that for me, I really recognized how much I hadn't enjoyed. My life, I'd been on autopilot.
Dr. Kimber [00:26:18]:
Certainly, I had joy. I had good things. I loved my work. I loved my friends. I mean, but there were some challenges that were going on and I really was Tim somebody who wasn't noticing being present because I was on to the next thing always. And when he died and I never got time with him, I recognized how much I had taken for granted and even how much I had taken my life for granted.
Dr. Kimber [00:26:53]:
And there were some pretty significant issues showing up in my marriage that I hadn't been dealing with, and it was kind of like a rubber meets the road experience. Like, Either we need to be together and grieving this or we aren't. And I know for me, I was highly motivated in not bringing more devastation to my daughter's life. And I knew that my husband is a good man. He's a good guy. He's a good person, and he deeply loves me. And even though he was in shock, even though probably isn't even the right word.
Dr. Kimber [00:27:35]:
Right? He was in shock in this loss and how he grieves, it's gonna be different than how I grieve. And there was a part part of me that needed to give him space and understanding in the same way that I had space and understanding and compassion for myself. Of all the things that I did, what I had regretted, and I think that as I processed all of these things, I found this profound embodied gratitude that I carry with me and makes me. Happy tears. I get happy tears in my eyes of, you know, this was the gift that my son gave me. I would never have had it. And honestly, I wouldn't have gotten licensed at the same rate because I immediately I was immediately able to go get more postdoc hours without some of them, you know, falling off. So there were so many things.
Dr. Kimber [00:28:36]:
It's not about finding silver linings. I don't believe in that. But it is about acknowledging what else is there. I really think of, You know, Dan Siegel talking about it's not what happened to you, but rather it's how you make sense of it and that is gonna shape how you feel about yourself, how you feel about others, and even how you respond. In situations where you have the same kind of feelings. So it's been good to be with you and to share parts of my story with you.
Dr. Kimber [00:29:10]:
If you're interested, pick up my book, Still Making a Whole When Parts Go Missing. Again, the intention is really that we're not alone. And a couple things in closing, I wrote the book in present tense to help bring the emotions that are there, that are already present in you to the forefront to help you process what needs to be processed because we can't just to understand something intellectually to have it reworked in our nervous system. We actually need to have the feelings there as well. And I think that, again, baby loss and pregnancy loss, to me, they're all the same.
Dr. Kimber [00:29:56]:
But, you know, there's medical trauma. There is birth trauma at times. Right? Like for different people, it's different. But aside from grief, there is a way that that baby came out Tim and left your your womb. And for many, many people, a visceral, it's traumatic. And I realize, even as I say that, you're instantly put back if this is your experience.
Dr. Kimber [00:30:25]:
So I just wanna remind you in this moment that you are present, and listen to my voice, and look around the room, soften your hands, soften your jaw. Feel your feet and wiggle your toes that you are here in this present moment, and you can't do this alone. You can't do life on your own. And I wanna remind you if you are going through this currently, it's not your fault. This is not your fault. Our minds like to make sense. We like to be more sovereign than we are.
Dr. Kimber [00:30:58]:
So if it believes that you did something wrong, then it helps you. Pretend that you can actually prevent this in the future, but it's a lie. Just want you to know it's not your fault. Keep bringing your grief into relationship. I do think that the book, a how to book on pregnancy loss is empty arms, and I know people have found that helpful. If you are supporting someone who has gone through baby loss, offer support, Go back, have conversations, and join them.
Dr. Kimber [00:31:39]:
Join them in the grief so that the families feel less alone. And don't forget grandparents. Don't forget the siblings. This is a time for recognizing we are all connected and to recognize the layers of grief that are involved Tim when a baby doesn't come home from the hospital. So thank you so much for being here in this topic that, again, I feel like is unacknowledged or quickly passed over. And if you are wanting support. I am going to be opening up a 90 day grief coaching.
Dr. Kimber [00:32:26]:
And if you want to get on that email list, you can go and sign up on my website for my newsletter, and that will put you in the general list and my subscriptions are very specific so you can unsubscribe to what you do not want. Kim Go to doctorkimber.net to sign up. That's drkimer.net, n e t. Until next for my newsletter, 1 reader called it a letter to your soul. It has reflections, questions, and suggestions in each one. Go .net, n e t. You'll also be the 1st to know about events Still Making A Whole When Parts Go Missing. Until next time.